Control, Alt, Delete
by SinfulFlower
Summary: You were young when you met Karkat. Too young to understand, let alone to accept, that she would never truly fit in. Too young, and too naive. Solkat, Humanstuck AU
1. Chapter 1 - In Which You Met Karkat

**A/N: There's not much to say here, other than that this is a trans!Karkat x Sollux fanfic inspired by DawnGyocry's _Variation Modification_. R&R, if you'd be so kind, and enjoy.**

* * *

It was the first day of second grade when you met Karkat.

You hated your teacher almost right away. She was young and beautiful with the kind of peppy persona that you'd expect from a kindergarten teacher. You had tried to ignore her as you sauntered into the room and took your seat at the table smack dab in the middle of the room next to Gamzee Makara, your frienemy and upstairs neighbor. You liked this seat the best, because you had a perfectly even view of everything going on on either side of the room. Gamzee presumably liked it only because you were there, and before Karkat you were the only person who'd put up with his bullshit; seriously. It was no wonder he had no friends, showing up to school in polkadotted pajama bottoms with clown makeup on.

Anyway, you were pretty sure that you and Gamzee would spend the next one-hundred and eighty plus days sitting alone, which would have been fine by you. Everyone else had already chosen a seat with their friends, leaving no empty seats other than the extra one at your own table.

Just as you were beginning to settle down, though, the albino named Karkat poked her head timidly into the room.

"Sorry I'm late..." you heard her whisper to the teacher. Her fists were curled at her side, trembling, as she placed her backpack on the floor, since all the hooks on the door were taken. You wanted to cry with frustration as she slid into the seat at you and Gamzee's table, scraping the chair on the floor with a loud screech. You didn't, though. You just exchanged a wordless glance with Gamzee as the teacher introduced herself and began passing out paper and crayons to make name tags with.

You watched as Gamzee went straight for the purple crayon, like you knew he would. Karkat reached uncertainly for the red, then changed her mind and picked up her pencil and started writing. You raised an eyebrow questioningly; the gesture was lost upon unwatching pinkish eyes. You shrugged and picked up the yellow crayon, and then the blue one and the red that Karkat had not chosen, in a manner that conveyed dominance over your tablemates. You really only needed three colors to prove yourself the alpha, anyway. You could make almost anything with them. As if to prove that, you drew a little blue star in the corner of your paper, then an overlapping red one that turned the points purple where they met.

Beat that, Makara.

You then picked up the yellow and wrote your name in the largest, neatest penmanship you could manage. The yellow writing on a white background was difficult to read, so you traced it lightly with red and blue, then added another layer of yellow. The result was a somewhat brown looking hue of olive, but you didn't really care all that much. You sat back to admire the name "2ollux Captor" scrawled across your paper. You folded it across the center, your OCD making you cringe when the corners didn't match up, and stood it on the table in front of you.

You glanced to your side to look at Gamzee's paper. He had just finished writing his name in alternating caps, so that it looked like "GaMzEe MaKaRa". The teacher was going to have a hell of a time reading your friend's atrocious handwriting, especially with all the little stick figure clowns and bloodied dragon heads consuming every inch of the name tag.

You looked next at Karkat's paper, expecting to see flowers or kittens decked in pink and red. Instead, you were met with a plain grey backdrop and "KARKAT A. VANTAS" in all capital letters. A red crab monster glared back at you, partially crossed out.

"Whoa. Sweet drawing, sister." Gamzee murmured, following your gaze. He then added, as he didn't start swearing until middle school, "motherfreaking awesome."

"Thanks..." you still remember how Karkat sounded. Her voice was barely a hoarse whisper, with a forced gravely quality to it.

* * *

The second time you heard her raspy voice was when she approached you at recess. It was also the first time you started to realize how different she was.

You were lying down on the tire swing as Gamzee held the chains and spun you in circles. Your eyes were closed in a peaceful bliss, the gentle rocking lulling you to halfway to sleep.

"Uh...um..."

The questioning murmur prompted you to crack open your left eye. The world was upside down, but you could still make out Karkat, her arms folded across her chest, and this was the first time you really got a good look at her; her long silvery hair that never stayed neat, her intense red stare, and the way her lips never quite formed a genuine smile.

"Yo, sister!" Gamzee was grinning when he let go of the tire swing, leaving you to sit up with an indignant cough. You couldn't really fault him for having a short attention span...you guess?

"It's Karkat." Karkat hissed, thrusting her hand forward for Gamzee to shake. "Karkat Vantas."

"Gamzee Makara."

You had interrupted and introduced yourself, not wanting to be left out. You stumbled off the tire swing to shake Karkat's hand, looking into her red eyes. She broke eye contact first, tugging on her pink sweater with a frown.

"I didn't catch that..."

"He's Sollux Captor, motherfreaker." Gamzee translated before you could clarify. You hated when he did that, went around acting like your aid and interpreter because no one could understand your goddamn lisp. You knew he was trying to help, and you appreciated it. You just hated being pitied by a clown.

You muttered a few bitter words, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. When you excused yourself as politely as you could manage to return to the school building to take a piss, you weren't surprised when Gamzee followed. You couldn't have truthfully claimed that you were expecting Karkat to trail after him, however. You probably wouldn't have cared, either, had she not almost followed you and Gamzee into the bathroom.

"Um...KK?" You asked, ignoring her when she corrected you. "You can't come in here...thith ith the boy'th bathroom."

You expected her to return to the playground while your back was turned. When you pushed open the door a few minutes later though, she was sitting on the floor with her back to the wall and her knees tucked up to her chest.

After that, she never left your side.


	2. Chapter 2 - In Which You Realized It

Before Karkat, you had never met someone who despised picture day as much as you.

You remember meeting up with her and Gamzee before school on the 3rd of October. Karkat's eyes were puffy and red. You remember the look of utter disgust as she scratched and tugged at her pink dress and attempted to shred the white ribbon tied around her belly. Gamzee had opted to wear a nice shirt and a tie that wasn't purple or polkadotted, and had even put in the effort to wear sweats instead of baggy pajamas.

When you asked her what was wrong, she insisted that she was fine. When you bent down to wipe her face, she denied having ever cried that morning. When Gamzee finally coaxed her out of her shell, she spilled the beans and claimed that her dress was hideous, and that she hated it and wanted to dress like you.

You had been wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

You hadn't been surprised when Gamzee had been placed in the back row for class pictures. You and Karkat were short as hell compared to him, but that could have just been him being a giant. Karkat managed a pathetic sneer of a grin.

You didn't even try.

Karkat was crouched under the slide at the playground when you and Gamzee went looking for her. She was tracing little X's and frowny faces in the dirt with a stick. You wanted to play on the tire swing, but Karkat's dress was too short to allow it, and if Karkat was staying, Gamzee was staying, and you refused to go anywhere without Gamzee, even if he was an ass at times. That didn't stop you from yelling and kicking in one of your bipolar mood swings, and it didn't stop Karkat from punching you in the arm. You hadn't intended to fight back, but Gamzee grabbed you by the waist _and god damn he was strong _and pushed Karkat gently.

You sulked by the tire swing for all of fifteen seconds.

And when you returned to the slide all of thirty-two seconds later, you and Karkat mutually erased that argument from your heads, because _why the fuck _had you been so immature to begin with? Karkat had laughed a little, however bitter a laugh it was, and said she was shuddering just recalling some of the foolish things she had said. It was then that you started to think of her as something other than the pesky new kid who you were forced to sit with, and who never left you alone.

From then on, she was a friend.

You remember accidentally telling this to the school guidance counselor one afternoon during one of your little chats (they happened weekly for you because of your bipolar disorder and OCD, and for Gamzee because of his habit of venting anger by hitting and kicking). She had merely smiled and said that it was good to have friends before writing you a pass and dismissing you to go back to class. When you looked in the small decorative mirror that she kept mounted on the door, though, you realized that your cheeks were flushed red.

* * *

Before Karkat, you had never gotten into trouble.

Sure, there had been occasions when you snapped at someone too quickly or told someone to fuck off only to change your mind a minute later, but the teachers always found a way to blame it on one of your mental disorders, and you were kind of okay with that. You never even dried to point out that obsessive compulsion and your sudden outbursts at whoever pissed you off had little in common.

Besides, your teachers always pitied you when they saw the last name "Captor" on the attendance sheets, because they all knew that Mituna had been damaged beyond repair. You didn't like to think about it, though. You had been in kindergarten when he died.

With Karkat, there was no blaming things on your questionable state of mind.

You still blame it on the boys who were jeering at Karkat hen your back was turned. If they hadn't been bullying her, yanking at her dress and jabbing her in the side, you probably wouldn't have kicked the leader of the group in the shins.

And all hell wouldn't have broken loose.

All you remember is a teacher grabbing your wrists while two more stood defensively in front of the boys. It had taken another three teachers to hold a screaming, kicking Karkat back.

You had to sit on opposite sides of the office while your parents were called. Karkat had sustained the least amount of damage. One of the boys had a black eye and the rest were crying. You had escaped with a bloody nose, a bruised cheek, and two skinned knees.

It was because they wouldn't hit a girl.

Your father had been angry when he came to get you. He always was angry, though, ever since Mituna committed suicide. You had gotten used to feeling the sting of his hand against your cheek, but he didn't deal the blow that time. Maybe it was because you had already been hurt, or maybe because you had been defending a girl.

Who knows?

He sent you to your room as soon as you got home. No computer, no video games. You had taken the opportunity to write in your journal, which you despised keeping some days and yearned to spill your heart onto others. When you sat down, pen in and, no words came to mind. Your father had called you for dinner an hour later. The notebook fell off your lap and onto the floor, opened up to where a single sentence danced lopsidedly across the tear-stained paper.

_She is not a girl._


	3. Chapter 3 - In Which Things Were Light

For a time, you managed to forget about Karkat's awkwardness. The sound of red and gold leaves crunching beneath your feet and the sharp nip of autumn was always enough to distract you from your problems, only if for a while.

October passed quickly, after the fist fight you had gotten yourself into on picture day. Before you knew it, the weeks before Halloween rolled in, and all that was on your mind was bite-sized honey flavored hard candies and the little leaf-shaped cakes of maple syrup that melted in your mouth. Even Gamzee seemed more distracted than usual, and it was hard to believe that the lazy day-dreamer could get any more distant. Karkat just seemed relieved that as the weather cooled, skirts and blouses gave way to jeans and zip-up sweatshirts.

You and Gamzee went costume shopping the week before the 31st, a tradition you didn't care to break. Gamzee was almost always a clown, which didn't require much effort on his part, since he already looked the part. This time, though, he lingered my the mirrors in the back of the party store, trying on long purple capes and small golden crowns that sank into his messy hair. You had little interest in whatever crappy costume your friend was putting together while you wandered from isle to isle, looking for a costume that didn't look like complete shit.

You had stopped to look at a long magenta cape with golden zodiac signs along the hem, and, mesmerized by how...perfect it looked, pulled it gingerly off the rack and draped it over your shoulders. You had been about to return to Gamzee with your find when an irritated growl caught your attention.

Karkat was snarling in frustration in the next isle over while her brother, Kankri, rambled on about one thing or another. You remember thinking that the older Vantas just _loved _the sound of his own voice - otherwise he probably would have shut up every now and then. You hadn't wanted to get caught up in their sibling rivalry, so you slipped, undetected, back to where Gamzee was waiting with the stupidest excuse of a costume you'd ever seen.

* * *

Karkat had gone trick-or-treating with you that year. Kankri came with, too, and Nepeta had tagged along uninvited. You were jealous of your two best friends, and you couldn't deny it. You missed Mituna, even if he couldn't always protect you the way Karkat's brother did. Even Gamzee had his half-sister, on days when she was aloud to visit from the distant neighborhood where she attended a private school.

She, of course, had gone as a cat. Even you had to admit she looked cute with her blue hood and matching tail. She still had her signature green coat, which had belonged to Kurloz before it belonged to Gamzee, who immediately gave it to Nepeta, probably just to spite his father. It hung lamely on her thin frame, dragging on the ground behind her.

Karkat was wearing a dark red tunic and a cape, which she had held back with hair bands to prevent herself from tripping over it. Her silvery hair was braided, rather than let loose and untamed as usual. You remember clearly the shiny, translucent wings that she wore.

Gamzee had changed his mind and returned to his usual clown attire. It hadn't really mattered - he fit in perfectly on Halloween.

Kankri was on edge all night. Whenever you crossed the street, he held Karkat's hand so tightly that he was practically clinging to her, and you couldn't tell if he was dromophobic or if he was just always nervous. You confirmed the latter to be true, though, when Gamzee instigated an argument with Nepeta and the male Vantas practically started hyperventilating, and then again when Karkat threatened him over a piece of candy and he whimpered something about triggering.

By 6 o'clock, it had become a contest to see who could collect the most candy. You and Karkat had both been determined to win. You had sprinted from house to house, laughing and occasionally dropping your baskets when you tripped over an uneven slab of sidewalk. Whatever candy you lost during such instances, you abandoned on the sidewalk in favor of dashing ahead to the next house.

Sometime after 9:30, Nepeta fell asleep and Kankri had to carry her. You and Karkat had both been disappointed when he decreed that it was well past time to head home. Kankri had dropped you, Gamzee, and Nepeta off at Gamzee's before he and Karkat went home.

The three of you had dumped your candy into a heap on the floor. This had proved to be a poorly planned move when Nepeta's mother came to get her five minutes later, while you and Gamzee were debating whose candy was whose. You had almost, _almost _been sorry to see her leave, but moreso to see her take the candy you had been eyeing with her. Your father had been out of town all that week, and as such you had stayed with Gamzee. You stayed up until about 11, which was a difficult feat for second-graders. Gamzee must have carried you to his room when you fell asleep, because the last thing you remembered before blinking groggily awake was curling up on the living room floor. Gamzee had cracked open a bottle of Faygo to celebrate the accomplishment, which you had accepted with reluctance.

You wondered if Karkat would hate it as much as you.

To be fair, though, she hated everything, and still does. You thought that over while Gamzee tried to make conversation. You nodded and "mm-hm"ed a lot.

Karkat called later that morning to see if you could hang out. Gamzee effortlessly convinced Kurloz to let her come over at noon. You spent most of the afternoon trading candy and offering it up as prize "money" for whoever came out the winner in the video games you had decided to play (by the end of the day, most of the candy had gone to you, some to Gamzee, and almost none to Karkat).

It had been an afternoon of you dominating and Gamzee showing off. It had also been an afternoon of Karkat rage quitting. By the time dusk fell, though, you were all mostly laughing and chugging Faygo, hoping that none would spurt out your noses if something funny was uttered.

If only things had stayed that light.


	4. Chapter 4 - In Which Things Grew Dim

For a time, they were.

Third and fourth grade had gone by quickly, and fifth had followed only somewhat hesitantly. All the while, Karkat grew more miserable and quicker to snap. She hadn't left your side once all those years; she was still standing between you and Gamzee on your first day of middle school.

By some, as Gamzee put it, "motherfucking miracle", you had all ended up in the same homeroom. You also had PE together. Gamzee had math and science with Karkat, and civics and English with you. The only class you had with just Karkat was chorus. That left you with half a year of computers and half a year of art with neither of your friends. You had blamed yourself for being antisocial and awkward. Calliope and her companions were the closest you had to friends whenever Gamzee and Karkat weren't around. Well, her brother was annoying and bratty and best, but Aradia and Feferi were nice, and Rose was a friendly enough adversary.

You remember the first time Karkat cried in front of you, openly and not denying it.

Feferi had been singing a duet with Aradia's older sister, Damara, when you heard Karkat breathing heavily from where she stood in front of you. The teacher had whispered something to her, rubbing her back sympathetically before taking off her sweatshirt and handing it to her. She asked you to take Karkat to the nurse while the ivory haired girl tied the sweatshirt around her waist.

You hadn't asked Karkat what was wrong while you guided her through the hall by the arm. You wordlessly adjusted your glasses (you had gotten them in third grade, and subsequently tinted one lens red and the other blue) and watched fearfully as tears streamed down her pale cheeks. She had paused several times to tug the front of her skirt or to pull the sweatshirt tighter over her thighs.

When the nurse sent you back to class and led Karkat to the bathroom, you were almost sure you smelled blood.

Karkat hadn't been in PE later that day, and you knew she had gone home early. You sulked all through art class, even when Calliope asked if you were okay and when Rose complemented your pastel drawing.

When Caliborn approached you, you punched him.

* * *

You started playing the game that year.

The game was an MMORPG, in which players joined or created servers to play on. Your server, Alternia, had been your pride and joy, as you had little else to live for. Each server had been a sort of universe, which you spent hours on end building. You had been Alternia's leader, and Karkat, the co-ruler.

After the first week, Alternia consisted of yourself, Gamzee, Karkat, Nepeta, Feferi, Aradia, and Nepeta's friend, Equius. Kankri had rejected Karkat's invitation and started his own server, which Damara had joined right away. It was a weak server, with little defense and no password to keep uninvited users from joining their ranks, but you were allies nonetheless and constantly helped Kankri fend off enemy armies.

You PMed Nepeta and Equius constantly from the school's computer lab. You had considered it your job to get status updates from everyone. On one particular day, Nepeta messaged you with news of an enemy attack. You had been ready at your keyboard the minute your private message inbox went from empty to one.

_:33 { *the mighty meowbeast says halp!*_

_Nepeta? ii2 2omethiing wrong?_

_:33 { *she lifts a paw to scratch at the computer worriedly*_

_2eriou2ly Nep, what happened?_

_:33 { *ac saw Jade Harley earlier*_

_Harley? you mean the Wiitch of 2pace?_

_:33 { *she nods her head yes*_

_2hiit. what diid you hear from her? ii2 iit anythiing we 2hould be worriied about?_

_:33 { *the meowbeast ac says that Harley and Strider are planning an attack!*_

_crap! ii'll go warn kk. diid you tell the Bard?_

_:33 { *she says no her brother does not know*_

_alriight. tell the Heiir of Voiid we need hiim._

_:33 { *she says roger that!*_

_oh and before ii forget, how many planet2 do they have?_

_:33 { lofaf, lohac...*she s33s 5 planets*_

Karkat had taken it upon herself to command Alternia's armed forces. You had sat in the computer lab all afternoon, and when the attack came, it had only taken Karkat, yourself, Gamzee, and Equius to drive them off. You had high-fived the former two and thanked the latter via private message.

That was the year that John's friends despised you the most.

Rose had apologized for her friends the next day. You had forgiven her, since you knew Dave, Jade, John, and Dirk hadn't stood much of a chance to begin with, and even if Rose had helped them you would have outnumbered them. You hadn't said this aloud, of course.

Dave hadn't been as gracious about his defeat.

The only classes you had with him were PE and art, and he wouldn't approach you when Gamzee was around. During the latter class, though, he made it well enough known that he was completely pissed at you. By the end of class, he had completely vandalized your project, forcing you to start over, gotten Caliborn mad at you, and was still glaring as you sauntered out of class to your locker.

Dave and Karkat both had bloody noses after PE the next day.

You and Gamzee had demanded to know why she picked a fight with the boy. When Gamzee commented that a skinny, quiet girl like her didn't stand a chance fighting a boy, Karkat cringed shouted angrily, insisting that it didn't matter if she was a girl, and that you were both being unfair. She punched you in the jaw when you retaliated.

The argument haunted you for years.

The next day, you all acted like it had never even happened. You played basketball during PE, like you always did when the coaches offered you free time on the hard court in between units. Karkat and Gmazee had played against you and Calliope, two-on-two. You had wanted to be on Karkat's team, but since you were both short, and Gamzee was the tallest, you knew it would be fairer this way. Gamzee and Karkat had won 16-4 by the end of class, partially because you'd been so distracted.

You were so distant, you didn't care when Dave and Caliborn tripped you in the hallway.


	5. Chapter 5 - In Which You Were Wrong

**A/N: As someone pointed out, I had Nepeta's quirk wrong in the previous chapter. Nepeta usually starts each line with :33 followed by a less than sign. However, I am unable to type greater than or less than signs on FF's doc manager, so I used { instead. As far as the 33 for double e and the cat puns, I went back and fixed that. Sorry about that; I suck at Nepeta and Feferi's quirks in particular.**

**By the way, I will never be upset if a review corrects a mistake or points out a problem with something. People are only trying to help me improve, and I'm glad that others read my fanfics and care enough notify me when I write something incorrectly. ;3**

**This chapter was going to be part of chapter 4, but I decided to make it its own chapter.**

* * *

It hadn't occurred to you how behind you were until a few weeks later.

Gamzee had always been taller and stronger than you, but even Karkat had gained an extra inch on you that year, and she hadn't grown to be much taller than five one by the end of the year. You hadn't thought much of your friends' maturity, though, until you had walked into the bathroom one day and heard Gamzee in a stall at the end, whimpering and moaning, and had known you had caught him in an awkward situation. You made sure he didn't hear you as you slipped away.

You kept to yourself for a few weeks after that.

You remember watching Karkat and Gamzee laughing and talking at lunch one day. Gamzee had leaned over to whisper something in Karkat's ear, and you growled softly when she giggled and pushed him gently. You didn't know why, you had just felt...jealous, almost, and sort of possessive over Karkat.

You sat around like an unwanted third wheel a lot, around that time. Gamzee and Karkat grew farther apart from you, for a time, and the scary part was that you never tried to stop them. You hadn't stayed a child in their eyes for long, though; growing up later than your friends didn't mean it never happened.

The first time you had realized that was in PE. You had been running the track for a grade, and finished in the first half of the class and made decent time. Gamzee, being somewhat overweight and sluggish, had been one of the last, as had Karkat, who rarely left his side. You had waited for them in the gym, outside the locker rooms. You felt another twinge of jealously as they walked in, side by side, grinning. Before you and Gamzee had went into the boys' locker room and Karkat the girls', she yawned softly and stretched her pale arms above her head. Her shirt had lifted several inches and exposed her belly, which was almost as ivory as her hair.

You vaguely recall squirming in an awkward discomfort and coaxing your hitched breath out of your throat. Your PE uniform had felt too tight and warm, and you had been more than glad to hurry into the locker room and shrug your shirt off. You had hesitated with your hand by the waistband of your uniform shorts, then shook your head and went into the bathroom to change.

You didn't look Karkat in the eye the rest of the day.

You went straight home after school and locked yourself in your room. You tossed your pillows aside and curled up on your bed with your laptop. An indignant mewl sounded from the floor as a pillow landed on top of Bicyclops, your wall eyed white kitten. You had gotten him on your birthday the previous summer from Nepeta; the rest of Pounce de Leon's accidental litter had sold for a decent sum, but nobody wanted the little ugly runt.

You picked him up and plopped him unceremoniously onto the bed next to you, patting his head bitterly and running a thumb over one of his ears. He purred contently, and you turned your attention back to your computer screen, opening an incognito window when the internet loaded.

* * *

You had cornered Karkat the next morning by her locker, when Gamzee wasn't around. Confident that she and Gamzee had nothing on you, you had demanded to know why they spent so much time together, and why they had been laughing the other day. You didn't say it aloud, but you knew that what you thought about them was implied - you thought they had feelings for each other.

Karkat had just shook her head, sadly, like she pitied you. Her eyes were unfocused and distant, like she thought you were stupid and she was trying to figure out how to word something so that you could understand it. What she said next echoed in your mind, slapping you in the face because _god dammit _of course, you should have realized that.

"Sollux, Gamzee's gay."

You had sort of walked off, disbelieving, to avoid looking any stupider that you had already looked. You couldn't believe you had almost accused your homosexual friend of crushing on a girl who probably had little interest in either of you.

When you noticed Gamzee talking with Tavros, the wheelchair-bound new student, you flipped shit.

The next morning, Gamzee hardly paid attention to you or Karkat. You couldn't exactly say you minded having Karkat to yourself. It rarely happened in those days, and you made a mental note to thank Tavros later - if he hadn't gotten Gamzee to start crushing on him, however unintentional, you probably would have lost your only two friends.

You can't remember why, but you and Gamzee had taken to wearing t-shirts with your zodiac signs on them - yours was Gemini, and Gamzee's was Capricorn. When you bought Karkat a Cancer shirt, though, she quietly turned it down, and you realized she always wore long sleeves. You hadn't dwelt on it.

Until winter break.

Snow had covered the ground like frosting on a heavily-iced wedding cake. Trudging outside through layers of refrozen slush was a pain, and you would have been content staying inside until the world thawed and melted.

You and Gamzee still lived on the same street, but he had moved out of the crappy apartment building and into a decent house. He had invited you and Karkat over to help him shovel the yard, and you had begrudgingly accepted, making your way towards his house while Bicyclops slept in the hood of your winter coat.

Karkat had gotten there before you, and she and Gamzee were brushing snow off the top of Gamzee's father's car. You had tossed a certain ugly kitten into the snow so you could pull your hood over your head. He hissed in protest and darted over to Gamzee. You had an odd, hateful relationship with the creature, yet you both kept each other in line and content for the most part; you fed him tuna and honey, he didn't claw your eyes out.

You wordlessly began shoveling a clear path to the front door. You weren't sure why Gamzee hadn't done that first, but you didn't question him. Karkat had a blank look on her face most of the time while she worked away at the snow. At one point, she dropped her shovel and stooped to pick it up. Her sleeve rolled up a few inches, and she hurried to fix it.

You had seen the cuts and scars.


	6. Chapter 6 - In Which You Were Jealous

**A/N: I apologize sincerely for the late and short update. I had an issue to deal with IRL that needed my full attention for a period of time. Updates should be regular from now on, though.**

* * *

Even as the weather warmed up that spring, Karkat never wore short sleeves. You would watch suspiciously as she rubbed her arms discreetly under her desk in homeroom, her pinkish eyes narrowed in discomfort. During PE, she wore a zip up sweatshirt over her t-shirt, and you knew it was to conceal the crisscrossing scars and red marks on her arms. You never mentioned it, and she never said anything about it. Whenever someone asked her why she was wearing long sleeves on a day when the weather reached eighty degrees Fahrenheit, she grew evasive.

Gamzee spent more time with Tavros than he did you or Karkat. You began to look back on second grade with nostalgia and longing, something you had never thought would happen. You had tried your best to ignore his absence when he wasn't around.

You had stopped playing the game, too, around that time. John's group had somehow hacked your server, and Karkat had thrown a tantrum about it, laying on the ground with her hands on your laptop's screen and bawling her eyes out.

She slept over at your house a lot. Her father was never around, and she didn't like being under her brother's authority. Kankri always got angry when he showed up in the morning to drag Karkat home. You could usually smell alcohol and blood on his breath, too, and you tried to steer clear of him.

You found yourself caring less and less.

Your grades were horrible, and your attentiveness hardly existed at all. Your father had given up hope that you would ever amount to much more than a homeless bum working at a fast food joint and begging for your next meal. You let him. You didn't care, even when he hit you. You had learned to ignore pain. Welcome it, even, with the same masochistic whimpers Karkat offered with each new cut on her arms.

Sometimes you wondered why you even lived. You didn't want to die, of course. You were content enough with life. You just...didn't know why it mattered. You occasionally doubted that anyone would miss you. Gamzee would probably just go on spending time with Tavros, like you never even existed.

Then you thought about Karkat, curled up and sobbing into her knees, and you knew you had _some _purpose, some meaning to fulfill.

Then Karkat met Terezi, and you wondered if you truly were needed at all.

It was painfully obvious that they were more than friends. You watched with envy whenever they shared a knowing glance or a brief embrace. Then you caught them one day, hiding in the courtyard, their lips pressed together and Karkat's back to a wall, and the world shattered.

You had gone straight home, to your bedroom, and sobbed into Bicyclops' soft fur. You had sobbed, but there hadn't been any tears streaming down your face.

You wished Mituna hadn't died. Even if he could never offer you advice when you were upset, it was comforting to know someone cared. An ugly, undersized kitten didn't count for shit, either, even if he didn't bite or scratch when you felt lonely and wanted to hug him.

You hadn't seen much of Karkat and Terezi after that, but you had avoided them, to be honest. You didn't like to think about where they were or what they might be doing; it sent shudders up your spine, and they weren't exactly bad, but uncomfortable nonetheless.

There had been one day when Terezi wasn't at school, and Karkat sat with you at lunch. She had tried to make conversation, but you mostly ignored her. You couldn't stop thinking about her and Terezi in the courtyard, and what you had witnessed, and then what you maybe _hadn't _witnessed. You felt weird and lightheaded thinking about it, and you squirmed discreetly, trying to make the feeling go away.

When she stood to throw her trash away, you felt Karkat's hand brush involuntarily against your own. Your cheeks burned with embarrassment for the remainder of the day. You had been all too relieved when the final bell rang that afternoon, granting you the freedom to scurry home.

Behind your locked door, you lay back with a shuddering breath, and, recalling the brief contact, slid one hand to the front of your jeans, the other going to your mouth to silence a whimper. You had sat, maybe for a minute or two, your back pressed to the door, knuckles bleeding from you biting them.

Then your vision had whited out, and it had taken only a few seconds for a painfully slow orgasm to turn you into a gasping, writhing mess on your bedroom floor, and for your jeans to become desperately in need of a wash.

You had fallen asleep on the floor that night, kicking off your pants but not changing them. When you woke up the next morning, you were in your bed.


	7. Chapter 7 - In Which Karkat Cried

**A/N: As someone pointed out, I kind of went really fucking overboard with the whole scene at the end of the last chapter. I wasn't going to include it at first, but a friend wanted me to and I forgot, so I sort of threw it in clumsily and tried to work with what I already had, hence Sollux overreacting over nothing.**

* * *

You woke up late the next morning, and you were glad it was Saturday. You threw on a pair of clean pajama bottoms, your face flushing slightly as you tossed your jeans in the laundry basket and carried it down the hall to the laundry closet.

Your father always left for work early and came back late, so by the time you had showered and changed, eaten breakfast, and done a load of laundry, an hour had barely passed. You didn't have any homework to do, nor was there a video game in the house you hadn't already beat at least once. You opened your laptop absentmindedly and checked your email, then shut it again.

Whenever you had nothing to do, you usually just thought; about life, about Karkat, or about nothing in particular. You tried not to, though, because life decided to be a bitch and make you turn that awkward age where practically your every thought - subconscious or otherwise - was a fucked up, perverted fantasy that you wished would go away. They usually involved Karkat, too; occasionally Gamzee or Nepeta, but most often the former.

God, life sucked.

Your reverie had been cut off abruptly by a pounding on your door, which you had cautiously answered. Karkat had stood, leaning on the door's frame for support, tears staining her cheeks and still falling, sobs and sniffles betraying her usually calm, albeit pissed off demeanor.

She had lay on the couch, crying into your chest for forty or so minutes, and you sat, mind blank, arms around her shoulders in a somewhat sincere embrace. She sat up, when her tears had all but been spent, and uttered the explanation that pissed you the fuck off.

"Kankri...K-Kankri kicked me out, Sol."

You remember jumping to your feet, enraged, and Karkat holding you back by your wrists. She explained what happened, but you were hardly listening. He caught her and Terezi, she said. All they had done was kiss, but he got mad at her.

Literally the only good thing that came from Karkat's asshole brother flipping his shit at her was that anything and everything between her and Terezi was diminished.

When your fury and Karkat's anguish died down, you let her flip through your box of disused video games until she decided on one and tossed to to you. _Tales of the Abyss_. You recall that it had been your favorite, at one point, but the cover was dusty and neglected.

You spent most of the day fighting bosses and speeding through cut scenes. You had almost beaten the game by the time Karkat fell asleep with her head on your shoulder. You tossed your PS2 controller aside and carried her to your room. She swore angrily in her sleep, and you smirked, laying her down in your bed and returning to the living room. You slept on the couch, it being decided that sleeping in the room with Karkat would be too awkward.

You didn't sleep as much as you just sat up, awake, despite desperately wanting to get a decent amount of sleep for once. Bicyclops lay, tail curled over his nose, on the armrest, half awake and snorting as if to mock you. You shoved him bitterly, and he fell over with an undignified snarl. You sneered back, but it was halfhearted and pitiful, and so you picked him back up and plopped him down next to you.

* * *

Karkat had woken up before you the next morning. She had offered to leave, knowing that Kankri would be at church, but you told her to stay, and you got up to make breakfast.

You ate in a heavy silence, and cleaned up likewise. For the rest of the day, you lurked in opposite corners of the house. You tried to keep yourself busy with chores and the like, but even that didn't last long, and you eventually found yourself sitting on the floor of the kitchen across from Karkat.

So you talked.

For hours, you both droned on about life; about things that made you want to stab something, and about things that prompted a smirk, at the very least. You reminisced about your first meeting, back in elementary school, and you spoke of fantasies from some distant future. And just as the sun began to duck behind the horizon, Karkat quietly uttered a question you still remember.

She asked what it was like being a boy.

Her cheeks were flushed carmine, her eyes downcast, as she waited sheepishly for an answer. You replied sarcastically, and told her it was probably the same as being a girl, only jacking off and pissing was easier. She shrugged your quip off with a falsified yawn. Neither of you brought it up again.

Karkat insisted that she sleep on the couch that night, and, too tired to argue, you sauntered into your bedroom and flopped down on the bed. You couldn't sleep, though, and you knew Karkat was awake in the living room. You contemplated making a sandwich, or at least getting some water, but weariness kept you glued to the bed.

You sort of wanted to take a shower, as sweat coated your face and made your shirt stick to your back, but you didn't want to while your female friend was there and awake. She told you that she didn't mind, but you put it off anyway. You could always shower in the locker room at school.

A mosquito landed on your arm, and it probably thought, from the way you sat eerily still when you were daydreaming, that you were asleep. You swatted it away with a disgusted growl, grimacing as your own blood smeared on the pale skin. With a sigh, you rolled over and pulled your pillow over your head. Somehow, you managed to finally doze off. You didn't blink awake until long past noon, when Karkat had long since left for school.

You made sure to delete the voice message from school that questioned your absence.


End file.
